Where’s that Handcart?

We all know what’s wrong with the world today, don’t we?

The Bear, the Hare and the Passport

Posted by Malcolm Toogood on December 7, 2013
Posted in: Music, Where's that Handcart?. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , .

Once upon a time, there was a bear who missed Christmas every year because he hibernated for the winter.  A hare decided this was sad, so left his sleeping friend a present of an alarm clock, which woke him on Christmas Day.  To do this, he enlisted the help of a Mr Lewis, who sold bits of Christmas to the local folk.   Mr Lewis thought it would be nice to tell the locals all about the hare’s plan, and they became so interested that they twittered about it to their friends far and wide.

the bear and the hare

This generated so much interest that Mr Lewis’ business grew and grew until he felt he just had to make a film about it and, as films have to have a title song, he enlisted the help of a famous songstress to sing it for him.  Mr Lewis played the song in his store, and it so enchanted the people who heard it that they wanted to buy their own copy.  So Mr Lewis manufactured a single that became so popular it topped the Hit Parade.   So where, you may ask, does the Passport come into this.  Well to tell you that part of the story, I need to take you far, far away, to another land – Somewhere Only Jobsworths Know. Continue Reading

Resigned to Change

Posted by Malcolm Toogood on February 11, 2013
Posted in: Where's that Handcart?. Tagged: , , , .

There has been much wailing and gnashing of teeth since Pope Benedict XVI announced his resignation, through ill-health, from the job of being God’s chosen representative on earth.  The act itself may have come as a surprise, but not the reaction; after all, if any position should be considered a job for life, surely it is that of Pope.

Pope Benedict XVI announces his surprise resignation during a press conference at the Vatican

However, in these days of career plans and exit-strategies, and with the most popular method of removal in their early days, that of martyrdom (favoured by half of the first sixteen incumbents) being no longer considered  politically-correct, it was obviously time for the church to modernise its HR policies.  Continue Reading

The Ratchet is Back

Posted by Malcolm Toogood on August 14, 2012
Posted in: Where's that Handcart?. Tagged: , , , , .

Well, at least the BBC Doom-Mongers gave us a day off before they transformed their bulletins back to the news equivalent of Leonard Cohen songs.

Volunteers from London 2012 still Feeling Good!

Today we were told that rail fares will be going up, that the Eurozone is almost in recession and that 54% of people think the Olympic spirit will be short-lived.  The first of those subjects was delivered with a technique that had been temporarily-retired for the last two weeks – the ratchet.  Continue Reading

It says ‘ere …

Posted by Malcolm Toogood on August 7, 2012
Posted in: London 2012 a view from the Couch, Where's that Handcart?. Tagged: , , , , , , .

Despite early fears about the numbers of security guards at London 2012, there was confirmation yesterday that the organisers have managed to fully-meet their quota of Jobsworths for this year’s Games.

A London 2012 Jobsworth joins in the celebrations with Usain Bolt after his victory in the 100-Metres

In an interview with the media, 100-metre Gold Medal winner Usain Bolt explained how he encountered these shadowy figures within the staff at the Olympic Stadium: “It has been different from Beijing.  There are lots of rules, weird, silly rules that don’t make any sense to me.  I tried to wear my tie into here, they said ‘no’. I said why? ‘Because of the rules’, they said.  Then I wanted to bring my skipping rope in and they said ‘no’ because it’s ‘the rules’. These rules just don’t make sense to me.”

Continue Reading

Honesty, Integrity and Fair Dealing

Posted by Malcolm Toogood on July 5, 2012
Posted in: Where's that Handcart?. Tagged: , , , , .

Dear Marcus

I understand that Your Bank is on the lookout for a new CEO, so I thought I would just drop you a line to let you know that I am available and willing to take on the challenges that post would provide for me.  I know that we have not met, but I thought we should start off on first name terms as it will show you that I have thoroughly researched the ethos of Your Bank, including taking note of the manner in which Your Bank executives conduct meetings with senior politicians, which was very impressive I have to say.

Barclays Chairman, Marcus Agius, gives evidence to The Parliamentary Committee following the less-than-convincing performance of his outgoing CEO, Bob Diamond

Let me start by making a simple statement that will, I believe, provide most of the evidence you will need to realise why I am the best man to succeed my predecessor in that job:  I love Your Bank.  I love Your Bank because of the people.   History will judge Your Bank as an incredible institution because of its people, and the best way for me to help with that is to be in a position to step-down whenever required.  But I can’t do that unless I am one of those people.

Continue Reading