Double-O One over the Eight

Posted by Malcolm Toogood on December 13, 2013
Posted in: Media. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

Is James Bond an alcoholic? Well, according to the British Medical Journal, yes.  This, of course, is the 007 of his originator Ian Fleming, not the metrosexual version proffered by the current film franchise, who will soon have him poncing about saving the planet in a Prius, complete with solar-powered stun guns and a humane spider trap.  Nevertheless, this new version is most-likely the more successful secret agent, not the original.  He was a lush.

Is James Bond an Alcoholic?

The report, compiled by several researchers who studied all fourteen original Bond novels, found that “after exclusion of days when Bond was unable to drink…” (presumably when he was unavoidably tied-up in a meeting contemplating a laser approaching his genitals)  “…his weekly alcohol consumption was over four times the recommended amount.”   Their conclusion:  “The level of functioning as displayed in the books is inconsistent with the physical, mental, and indeed sexual functioning expected from someone drinking this much alcohol.”  OK, but try telling Mary Goodnight that he wasn’t the Man with the Golden Gun. Continue Reading

The Bear, the Hare and the Passport

Posted by Malcolm Toogood on December 7, 2013
Posted in: Music, Where's that Handcart?. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , .

Once upon a time, there was a bear who missed Christmas every year because he hibernated for the winter.  A hare decided this was sad, so left his sleeping friend a present of an alarm clock, which woke him on Christmas Day.  To do this, he enlisted the help of a Mr Lewis, who sold bits of Christmas to the local folk.   Mr Lewis thought it would be nice to tell the locals all about the hare’s plan, and they became so interested that they twittered about it to their friends far and wide.

the bear and the hare

This generated so much interest that Mr Lewis’ business grew and grew until he felt he just had to make a film about it and, as films have to have a title song, he enlisted the help of a famous songstress to sing it for him.  Mr Lewis played the song in his store, and it so enchanted the people who heard it that they wanted to buy their own copy.  So Mr Lewis manufactured a single that became so popular it topped the Hit Parade.   So where, you may ask, does the Passport come into this.  Well to tell you that part of the story, I need to take you far, far away, to another land – Somewhere Only Jobsworths Know. Continue Reading

Two moments in Time

Posted by Malcolm Toogood on November 22, 2013
Posted in: Nostalgia ain't what it used to be. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , .

So here I am, in the front room of my house watching TV. It’s 7.30pm on Friday 22nd November 2013. Fifty years ago to the minute and the day, I was also sitting in a front room watching TV, but that was in my parents’ house. My mother was crying, my father was sitting dumbstruck as the news came from the small black and white screen. John F Kennedy was dead.

moments in time

When the news of the shooting first emerged just after 6pm that Friday evening, TV programmes were immediately postponed and for the next hour we had a simple message on the screen, accompanied by dirge music, interspersed occasionally by an update from the voice of a newsreader that was only preparing the audience for the inevitable. Maybe that’s one of the reasons we all remember what we were doing, because we had an hour to contemplate what it could mean for the world. For not only was this man a symbol of hope, he was also the first politician in my lifetime who wasn’t old enough to be my grandfather. Continue Reading

Mystery of the Codebreaker in the Bath revealed

Posted by Muntle on November 13, 2013
Posted in: Short 'n Sweet. Tagged: , , , , .

The Metropolitan Police have today announced that the death of MI6 codebreaker Gareth Williams, whose body was found in a padlocked sports bag, was probably an accident.  An internal evidence review concluded it was unlikely that any other person was present when he died in his London flat.

Part of that evidence-review was later leaked to the media and included a video, apparently shot some years earlier, showing new equipment being developed by the intelligence services:

codebreaker

“Now listen carefully Bond: as your assistant here has already discovered, we have installed in this flat twenty thousand pounds-worth of female clothes and eight wigs for disguises.   For concealing one of you in an emergency, you press the little button here and this suitcase expands into a sports holdall.  Whoever uses it must take the keys inside as they contain a miniature transmitter that activates the exploding bolts on the padlocks.   Now be careful because this is the prototype, and it isn’t fully-developed, so we haven’t yet resolved a problem with the signal transmitter adjacent to porcelain, so whatever you do, do not use it in the bath………”

 

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Leaving things in a Bad Light

Posted by Malcolm Toogood on August 29, 2013
Posted in: Sport. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , .

Was it any wonder that an Ashes series mired in controversy over technology, and the misjudgement (or more to the point misapplication) of it, should end with the farcical image of two umpires leading the teams from a field bathed in floodlight because, in the judgement of the rules, the light was too bad to continue.

Image source www.news.com.au - click here to visit the site

MIchael Clarke discusses the bad light with the Umpires after appearing to change his mind about continuing

It is one thing for spectators to part with their hard-earned to watch a fifth day that ultimately peters-out to a meaningless draw aided by the capricious English climate; such is the lot of a cricket fan, and ever will be.  But when a match is potentially rescued from such a fate by some positive captaincy, and devil-may-care batting, to lift the crowd towards a memorable climax of a one-sided series, why on earth should anyone want to pull the plug with just minutes left? Continue Reading