Despite early fears about the numbers of security guards at London 2012, there was confirmation yesterday that the organisers have managed to fully-meet their quota of Jobsworths for this year’s Games.
A London 2012 Jobsworth joins in the celebrations with Usain Bolt after his victory in the 100-Metres
In an interview with the media, 100-metre Gold Medal winner Usain Bolt explained how he encountered these shadowy figures within the staff at the Olympic Stadium: “It has been different from Beijing. There are lots of rules, weird, silly rules that don’t make any sense to me. I tried to wear my tie into here, they said ‘no’. I said why? ‘Because of the rules’, they said. Then I wanted to bring my skipping rope in and they said ‘no’ because it’s ‘the rules’. These rules just don’t make sense to me.”
Afterwards Sebastian Coe tried to play-down any significance in these claims: “I presume the skipping rope was a warm-up aid so I will look at that, I think some of it has been slightly lost in the translation. I have raced in pretty much most places and I think it was more a broad point about different protocols and I don’t read too much into that.”
But London 2012 Jobsworth co-ordinator Sir Warren Doncherknow was adamant that such rules were essential for the Games’ success: “A skipping rope is only the thin end of a very thick wedge. We caught one competitor on the very first day trying to sneak-in a hard boiled egg and a spoon. She said she had missed her breakfast and grabbed it quick on the way to the stadium, but you can’t be too careful. Then there was the relay team who tried to bring their kit into the warm-up area in large sacks – who knows what havoc they could have wreaked with those. If we weren’t here to intercept attempts like that, before you know it we could be watching a school sports day, with all the events being run uncompetitively. With no winners or losers, where would Team GB be in the medal table – indeed would there even be a medal table?”
Sir Warren is very proud of his team’s contribution thus far, and praised their commitment and dedication: “You can’t just give someone a purple tracksuit and a clipboard and let them get on with it. Our staff sacrificed all of their spare time for years leading up to these Games, attending training days, seminars, breakfast meetings and so on. Then in the evenings, they have been examining all of the LOCOG Procedures, combing through the minutae to find that one little chink where there may be room for just the smallest amount of fun to creep-in, then circulating memos to their colleagues with suggestions on how to avoid this.”
But it hasn’t always been so. Indeed, Jobsworths have often been excluded from taking any part in the Games in previous years. Sir Warren welcomed the way that London 2012 has embraced inclusivity: “Jobsworths are an important minority in this country, in fact most of the population never fully-understand quite what a contribution we make to everyday life, until they encounter the results of our work. But we are everywhere – in local-government, the NHS, voluntary organisations and especially sports-administration.”
Although this is probably the first time that Jobsworths have attained such a high-profile mention, Sir Warren explained that they have been around a long time: “Some of our people are fourth- and fifth-generation Jobsworths. My father was one of London’s first traffic wardens in the 1950s and my grandfather was in the ARP during the war. His father was very famous during the First World War and was, reputedly, the person on which the character of Darling in ‘Blackadder Goes Forth’ was based.”
So what of the future for Jobsworths? I asked Sir Warren what would be the legacy of these Games for his organisation. “Oh I think our future is assured. For example, my son has been in the IT industry for many years, coming-up with all manner of security processes that prevent computer-users from doing something they never even realised they were thinking of doing. He must have already cocked-up over a hundred of the leading websites in the world. And with a personality of the stature of Mr Bolt raising our public profile like this, I am sure there will be literally thousands of youngsters returning to school after the summer holidays and asking their teachers what they need to do to be a Jobsworth when they leave school.”
Finally, I asked Sir Warren what had made him most proud about his involvement in London 2012: “Two things,” he replied, “firstly that the organisers chose to represent institutional-myopia in the design of their two mascots, Wenlock and Manderville. But more than that, it is the accolade provided in the reference by Mr Bolt to his previous experiences in Beijing.”
“It highlights the world-beating abilities of British Jobsworths when even a totalitarian state with one of the most-questionable human-rights records cannot hold a candle to us when it comes to being petty.”